The truth is, I’m struggling lately. Not with accepting our new home, or dealing with the emotional trauma of moving across the country (although yes I am still working on accepting these things as well). I’ve been having a bit of an existential crisis lately, and I’m just not sure what I’m doing with my life these days.
I know, I know. I’m a mommy, and that’s no small feat and it’s certainly not “nothing.” But I’ve been asking myself for some time now whether that’s all I want to be doing right now. And I’m still not sure. Some days, I feel so happy to be home with my daughter, soaking in every moment with her, developing that bond that I’ve always wanted to have with a little girl of my very own. I am so blessed to even have the option to be able to stay home with her.
But on other days – not as often, but still with some frequency – I feel like I need more. I need mental stimulation, I need to be working toward some goal, and I wouldn’t mind some extra money in my family’s bank account. But the very thought of finding a job, and the routine that would necessarily follow that – waking Claire up super early, getting her fed and out of the house, dropping her at daycare where she would have to vie for attention with a room full of other toddlers, and then only seeing her for a few hours in a day after work before she goes to bed – scares me, a lot. I know TONS of moms who do it every day, and I know it’s totally possible and sometimes scary and hard things are worth it, but I don’t know if I want that something more that much.
And I don’t know how to figure it out. Part time work maybe? Or do I just need to utilize a babysitter more often? How do I achieve that balance in my life where I feel like I have time to myself or where I’m thinking about something other than my daughter, even for just a little bit? Does anyone ever feel like they’ve achieved that balance?
On that note, my husband and I did have a triumphant moment last night. We haven’t found a steady babysitter since we moved here, and I’ve never had anyone but a grandma put her to bed while Sean and I went out for a date night. A couple of weeks ago we met some neighbors on our street who are former military and have a sixteen year-old daughter. Long story short, we met their daughter who is sweet as can be, they invited us out to a honky-tonk bar for live music and drinks (when in Rome, right?), and I was so flustered and in such desperate need for a break that I decided I just had to go for it and hope Claire behaved for a babysitter. And guess what? We did it! Claire played with her sitter and went to bed relatively easily, we had a great time with our new friends, and I had a few too many drinks which was exactly what I needed after a very busy week. And the best part is we now have a babysitter two houses down from us and we have decided a once per month date night is in our future. That’s definitely a step in the right direction…
Sometimes I think (hell, I know) I take life too seriously. I worry over everything. Am I interactive enough with Claire? Is she learning everything she should be at her age? Does she know how much I love her? I take her routine too seriously and I never embrace chaos. Chaos is my enemy. But as I’m learning how to be a mom and accepting what my life has become these days, I feel like I want and need more chaos in my life. More than that, I want to not be ruled by fear of everything that could happen. I need to do right by myself and let Claire figure out how to be away from me from time to time because it’s good for her and it’s very good for me. Sean and I hadn’t had a date night in ages because finding a sitter and hoping Claire doesn’t freak out while we’re gone and worrying over if she’ll go to bed ok without us literally scared me away from even trying. But I have to try. I have to go for things because otherwise I get in a rut and I’m unhappy and dying for a break that I won’t allow myself to have. I have done and been through some seriously difficult things in my life…More than I even care to list here. So why is allowing myself to be away from my daughter every so often feel like one of the hardest?? Life is so weird.
So if you need me, I’ll be browsing the job ads and trying to decide what I really want for myself… More of a regular break from the daily grind? Some sort of job where I can use my talents and skills more frequently?
How do YOU get yourself out of a rut? I’d love to know, especially from moms who are home with their littles all day.